Husband and I went a walk down into Kelvingrove Park. There was a wee winding path that took us down to the river. As we approached the look out point there was this amazing noise, it was like a rustling and thundering running sound. I turned round and before my eyes about 46 squirrels were running down through the foliage and gathered all around me. Staring.

When they reached me they stopped dead, they stood still on the ground. They crouched frozen in the trees; they sat like statues on the flat rocks….all looking at me…expectantly and with anticipation.

It was like Hitchcock’s The Birds except with squirrels. I was scared. Their wee beady eyes were darting about, I moved and then all the squirrels moved. It was like synchronised dancing and I was the lead hoofer, the tiny grey rats with bushy tails waited for me to move and then they moved!

I was scared to breathe incase the noise alerted them…

Then they rushed towards my legs and jumped around looking at me
as if saying “Ok Fatty where are the nuts and raisins?”
I was like a reluctant Snow White…those scary wee fuckers are really creepy.

I never had nuts or fruit; they must be those city squirrels that get hand fed.
I don’t carry assorted fruits for small mammals!

“Holy Fuck is one near my head? I felt something on my head” I screamed at husband.

“No it’s a leaf that fell but there is one big squirrel dangling off the branch and it’s almost on your neck” he answered.

I moved away and watched as the wee squirrels also moved back two steps…yet still in co ordination.

The wee squirrels had these amazing bushy tails that are so soft and look like a boa scarf, the tiny wee hairs on the tails twitch around and they look like they are pixelated.

I was still scared; I don’t care how cute they looked.

At that point a few pigeons came flapping down to join the party. They weren’t welcome; the squirrels were currently acting out their own ‘Gangs of New York’ but in a small furry woodland animal version.

One pigeon spotted a wee bit of bread on the ground near my foot and waddled over to peck it and to my utter amazement a big squirrel walked over casually and PUNCHED the pigeon on the head with its wee grey midget fist!

I have never seen such aggression in a long time and I used to own a bar in the East End of Glasgow!

I think that big squirrel had a hand gun under its ass!

After the scary grey squirrels realised that I didn’t have any food to give them they stood there and sneered at me, I am sure one or two actually gave me the finger…

I am never going there again…those wee fat tree hanging fuckers scare me.